My marriage and life

Good day everyone!

A nice sunny, but cool day out there today and I am loving the sun! I NEED the sun. It greatly affects my mood. If it is sunny I am happy, period.

Last post I said I would update on my marriage next time around. I have a small window of opportunity to write while at work so i figured now is the time.

I have packed so much stuff into the last couple months. I have been working lots, going out all days off, got a new tattoo (say what?). I started it 3 weeks ago and completed it Wednesday. I will upload a pic soon. It is beautiful.

So let's get down to it shall we? My marriage had not been good for years. I kinda explained some before. I kept trying to pretend but one day I couldn't do that any longer. He is miserable as a person and he kept me miserable and it just wasn't cool. He wasn't like that for the first year of our relationship. Here's the thing, I am stubborn and also I believe in the sacredness of marriage so I will hold on for dear life. At some point though you have to put yourself above all others. I would have been miserable the rest of my life. He is that disrespectful and rude.

People have noticed the HUGE change in me, how happy I am, how great I look and I am much more myself but I am also broken. I second guess everything and trust very little on the inside but appear calm on the outside. I look for ulterior or hidden meanings in everything. He NEVER did anything for me just cause, there was always something that had to be done in return or I had to pay for it. Every single time I would hold out that glimmer of hope only to have it dashed. Idk why i kept believing he would do something good for me just because I was his wife. Even after we split I kept doing that. I am very sweet, he still takes advantage of that.

I am dating a bit. Nothing super steady at this point. I am seeing someone tonight that i have met up with 3 times previously, we had a super interesting conversation last night and kinda put things out there a bit about our attraction. I love his attitude, he is more blunt than I am (which is hard) but I already know it wouldn't be a forever thing for various reasons. I do like him though. I am also seeing a couple people. I am not sleeping with everyone but I have told them right from the beginning that while single I don't promise exclusivity. I am looking to not settle, and if that means I need to get to know a few people or if I have met someone great (which i have too) but the timing for a relationship is wrong then I will get my needs met various ways. I am putting it out there but if you think you have something negative to say then just keep it to yourself. I am an adult who is single for the first time in 10 years. I am going to explore some. When i am in a relationship i am completely monogamous.

My ex still treats me like crap and fights with me every weekend I am off (which is every couple weeks). I am uncomfortable going home. A few weeks back I told him I was tired of being uncomfortable and this arrangement wasn't working. He then thought he would screw me over but I will "one up" every single time someone tries to wrong me (or i just wont bother, if they are someone i didn't care about) and I will do it in a respectful manner. He tried to use the dog against me, my main love. Wrong move. Within 30 minutes I had someone interested in being a room mate and a couple days later she came and looked at the place. We had talked on the phone and texted so knew each other a tiny bit before she came. She is 12 years older than me which is perfect.

Anyways, she walks in the door looks at me and says I like you, and I like your hair (ha ha), your style and I think we would get a long great. Bear loved her. She has a small dog and I think that will be good for him. I had laid out all the parameters before hand so she knew exactly what I was looking for. She gets a break in the rent but in turn cuts the grass and the best part SHE WILL LOOK AFTER MY DOG WHILE I AM IN CAMP. How did I get lucky? I am a solution based person so I took that out of the equation of excuses my ex had. I then gave him notice to be out for September 1st. He then thought he would screw me again with the lease but joke was on him when i told him it was up august 31st and the new gal and I signed a new one and also a contract between us.

G reminds me weekly that I made the right choice. He is seeing someone steady but won't make her his gf. She comes to him all the time. He pays her gas. In the 6-7 years we took my car for everything he gave me gas money 2-3 times a year (but if we used his truck i had to pay, it was pathetic). I said well I see you are already treating her better. I wish nothing but the best for you and hope you continue to treat her better because no one deserves to be treated the way you treat me! He has told me over and over he wished he could treat me better but still doesn't. His words mean nothing to me. He told me last weekend he was destined to be single and I said I sure hope you have told C that because she doesn't deserve to have her emotions toyed with. I said you did that to me and that is just not fair. I have never met her because she is uncomfortable so won't come in if I am home.

I have filled my weekends up with lots of fun stuff. August long i hung out with 6 different groups of people and this past weekend I went to 2 different bars with my gf for live music. I met someone the 2nd night who seemed awesome, but will see. I wasn't even looking. He just happened to be standing beside me all night.

So my ex had 5 weeks notice to move out (really, he had 4 months) and he JUST found a place yesterday. He is cheap, real cheap and he didn't want to pay lots of rent or have to drive to work. So he is in the town i live in which is great for bear but he can't take him there. I gave him my new room mates number so he can call her when he wants to see him. I don't really want to hang out with him so I don't know how that will work in the winter when I am home every day. I guess we will see.

We were unable to go through the household stuff because he wants so much and was just way too ignorant so I walked away, got my tears out and left. I just don't get why it needs to be that way. He knows I won't waste the money in lawyers and he fully takes advantage of that. I make more than him so I couldn't go after him for court costs either.

I am not sure what to do about the trip to mexico. That was supposed to be my trip that he paid for since EVERY single trip we have taken have been fully funded by me and only me with the exception of the plane tickets to Florida. His attitude is that I wanted them and could have taken anyone I wanted. He is full of it though, he wouldn't let me go with my girlfriends. I tried to go to Saskatchewan with a gf and he refused. It is just his way of justifying it. I wish i would have put it in my name, the only reason i didn't was because it was put on his cc so i didn't know if i could have it in my name with someone else's cc and just given mine for incidentals once there.

The next couple weeks will be interesting. I am just going to let him continue to take. I am a fighter but I fought our whole marriage to try and have it equal and gain respect that I have no fight left in me. My birthday is in 3 weeks and I have my surgery date for exactly a week after. I am nervous, not about the surgery but about the recovery while working. I know it is worth it though. I feel great and I have lost 5 more pounds but I will feel amazing once healed not having the flab of skin hanging down. I won't be skinny but it will be a huge difference.

I did a new sleep study for this surgery because they wont do the surgery at the clinic if I still have OSA. The 45 pound I lost cured it though!!! I never thought that would happen. He even said I didn't snore loud anymore. I didn't get it from weight. I had it for 10 years or more before I did the studies the first time and i was 45 pounds lighter than I am now.

I am looking forward to the future. My job is going good as well. We are 1/2 way through the season and getting close to winter. I hate the cold though ha ha and have never had to drive so far to go to work so I am a bit nervous about that. My boss told me from the beginning though that human life is more important than work so if it is real bad to stay home.

Mum, i replied to your comment. If there is anyone still reading I hope everyone has had an amazing summer!