Respect

I am going to do my best to have an old post done today, not for any reason other than it let's me really share what is going on in my life now. I have not shared this blog with anyone in real life other than my fiance. I don't believe in keeping secrets form him and most things i put in here he will have heard before. The only other person i would share it with is my female best friend, she knows everything about me, she IS me, thinks the exact same. I won't share this for reasons being that there are some things i do not want others knowing, sharing with relative strangers is easy, much easier than the neighbor next door or down the street, they judge according to what you have to say, trust me hearing from them is way more hurtful than reading what you typed to a stranger, yes people get close in blogs and some meet, some get really close but it is not the same thing as your friends & family that are around you all the time knowing all your business.

This post is not what i was going to write about today but i am upset, i am trying not to write with my heart, but my head. I am not the type of person to sugar coat, i say what i mean & mean what i say. Otherwise why say it? I told my fiance when he started reading that these are my feelings, he doesn't have to like my posts, but he has to respect that i feel this way, no one can change how i feel, and if something upsets him than stop reading, i try not to say hurtful things online geared towards us or our relationship but for as long as i remember i have been a writer when i can't talk to someone. A person has to have an outlet when they aren't being heard, and sometimes even when they are, a person needs to feel their feelings are justified when someone minimizes them or turns around and makes it about them so that the person that was hurt coddles them instead of getting their own feelings mended. Sometimes strangers have to be the ones to do that when no one else will.

I read a post today about forgiveness, it had to do with something the author read about people finding out major things after someone died, like that their spouse had an affair, that their mom actually adopted them, things that were MAJOR. The biggest lesson learnt from it was that when the person is not there to work through the issue it is extremely hard to forgive. BAM that hit me hard, I told my step-mom that this past summer when she told me i should forgive my father, i told her i can't because he won't talk to me about anything important, would rather shrug it off and sweep it under the rug because that is easier.

I hope this posts makes sense because i haven't thought it out, i would appreciate feedback, i want to know if others feel the way i do. That is part of why i post online, plus my blog is un searchable, mainly private, i have sent out the link to a few people in blogsphere but not many, if i get a good following once my major players come back then i will make it pw protected. I don't need the attention of many, this isn't about how many followers i can get. I would rather have quality over quantity, though if this were fiction then it would be both lol. I am searching for something i am missing, and that is the feeling of being truely heard & listened too. Of feeling like i really matter.

I love my fiance to death, he is the person i count on for everything, anything that happens in my life whether it be small or major he is the first person i think of and i can't wait to tell him, he supports me in many ways, but........ he is not very communicative, he shuts down rather than actually deal with the problem. I then feel ignored, there is NOTHING i take worse than being ignored, or have a situation made about someone else when really it should be about me, so then i get really upset. I take responsibility for my actions and i expect others to do the same, i haven't come across another person yet that does that. I get really upset too when having a convo with someone they just stop, if you got/get busy it takes 2 seconds to say so, if my boss needs me to do something and i can't grab my phone then as soon as i get back i let the person know. I don't ignore someone cause that is easier, and it is common courtesy to let someone know you are busy, it is SIMPLE AND EASY to do. That was my problem with Mel, on top of the fact she went shopping then threw in family commitments, rather than accept responsibility. I will respect you if you take 2 seconds out of your busy life to let me know rather than leave me hanging. I had a friend who's supper was ready for herself, husband and child and she disappeared, she came back when it was done to let me know, before she got off the computer for the night. She had common courtesy & respect to come and tell me after the fact, which in turn makes me respect her.

For me you have to have respect above trust, weird i know but seriously, without respect how can you trust, how can you love, how can you do anything? Now before this all gets taken the wrong way and blown out of pre-portion i am not saying you can't love someone or don't love someone, but you can't give them your whole self with everything you have. It is an impossible equation, it just doesn't happen. My fiance loves me alot, i know that, i see it in his eyes when he looks at me, or touches my face and says i am beautiful or pretty, and i don't know if it is my depression ( i get the winter blahs come January, they go away in march) but when i feel ignored, i feel like no one cares about my feelings, i feel like no one cares about me (by that i don't mean just my fiance, i mean no one).

I am not on a pity party, not at all but when i get trampled over and over for cop out reasons that's bullshit. I have this uncanny sense to read people, my son said to me the other day mom you always think your right, no not necessarily but i won't open my mouth if i think i am wrong,  and if you can PROVE me wrong then i will admit it. I have been through more situations than you could ever imagine, with those situations come experience, experience gives you knowledge, knowledge gives you power, which in turn gives you the good ability to read people and situations so that you can almost always smell bullshit, or know when someone is only telling you a half truth-half lie, i also have the ability to tell people things they don't want to admit or know, it pisses them off, so therefore who gets the brunt? I am a firm believer in you can do ANYTHING you want, sometimes it takes time, sometimes it takes patience, but in the end you can do it, just may not be as fast as you want it to be. When someone says they aren't cut out for something relationship wise, unless they have a valid medical concern (physical or mental state) that is just a cop out because it is easier than dealing with something, easier than FEELING something other than anger. Many people use anger as a mask because they don't want to feel sad, I use anger as a mask because no one let's me feel sad without turning it around making it about them or shutting me down, so for me i just can't always be me. This is probably one of the most difficult things i deal with and that for sure adds to my depression.

It is easier to run than to stay and work through things but really for me i don't find it that hard to want to stay and work through things, very few times in the last 4 years have i honestly thought it wouldn't work. Why? because the good outweighs the bad, what we have is special, it doesn't come for everyone, he may not show it in ways i want him too but there are times something slips and i see how at times he thinks of me all day, since we met we have been apart 2 days total and i can not imagine being apart, i don't mind a few hours but more than that is too much for me and trust me, i used to like being alone. Even though we have struggles (who doesn't) he is the one i want by my side, he is the one i SEE by my side.

He has told me before i could always find someone else but men don't get it, i don't WANT anyone else. If i wanted someone else i would be with someone else. When you find the person that meets most of your needs why would you need someone else? In my 4 years with this man i have never been tempted to cheat, not once, i don't even look at anyone else, someone has to be VERY hot for me to even think he is hot, why? because my man is all i see, that is enough for me. Never before. Never before.

I mentioned before that i told him a couple weeks ago i told him that for once i just wish someone thought of me and he told me i have too big a heart. Well it is true, i do, i treat people like gold, seriously, even when they hurt me, that is why i give some up easy & why i am not willing to give others up. I get walked over & stomped on all the time, so does my fiance but not by me! I treat people the way i want to be treated but yet i still get stomped on, I don't tell you how i feel to have you ignore me, i don't care who you are, if i wanted you to ignore me i wouldn't bother with you in the first place would i? If i wanted you to turn it around and make it about you i would have made it about you to begin with. I want to come in the door and feel like i make you feel (again this is a general thing) i want you to do SOMETHING for me, i want to come home from work and get a phone call or have someone say hey lets go out for supper tonight,  you have had a hard day and pamper me for once. I am always looking out for everyone, i don't get to come home and just relax ever .
Why does it always have to be about you? Why can't you acknowledge that you hurt me? Why can't you make me FEEL that you love me, words are meaningless if you don't truely mean them. The problem is you don't really feel sorry, and it comes across in your tone. MAKE ME BELIEVE, prove it. I am having major issues in my relationships (i am not talking about my fiance i mean general relationships) right now and i see no way out, at least not yet, but i imagine it is in the future, i can not get into it once again but soon i promise. Point in hand, i sent an email a few weeks back because i could not tell someone how i felt without getting yelled at and hung up on (just as bad as ignoring me), a long one, about everything that was bothering me, i got a short reply a couple weeks later making it ALL about them, not dealing with one single issue i had, then telling me i was selfish for making it about me. HELLO, just as this blog is about my feelings that letter was about MY feelings, not theirs, and i said such in my reply, of course nothing in return after that, when did it become so bad people can't take responsibility for treating others badly?

I KNOW i am not perfect by any means and i go on and on to prove my point, but that is because i don't feel heard, if i felt heard i would not have to say alot to feel like the other person listened. I don't always deal with situations the best i can either, but i NEVER ever ignore someone, i NEVER EVER not listen to someone, i NEVER EVER turn it around to make it about me if it started out about you. This is also why i feel so butthurt too when i get treated as such because i never have, nor will i ever treat another human like that. When i really love someone i don't try to run away, if you are worth it to me i will do everything in my power that i possibly can for you to know that.Words aren't always enough, you need to SHOW it. Very few people get that honor. In all my dating travels & serious relationships i have never before found someone that i actually could see myself with fully for the rest of my life. I have very little patience for people. I could never be bothered to stay around. Then i met "G" and everything changed, he is the person that even when i am mad and i look at his pictures i KNOW why i am with him, i fall in love all over again every time i watch him sleep, i see his smile and it warms my heart. I have a hard time describing it when i am put on the spot but i know! You will never meet a perfect person, if he could communicate better and not ignore me when he doesn't want to deal with something he would be pretty close. Everyone likes this man, he just has that charm, i just wish he could see it. He is beautiful!

ALL i ask is for love, respect, honor, really the concept is not a hard one, i don't ask for everything under the sun, as a matter of fact i keep my needs hidden because they won't get fufilled anyways so it is very simple to please me. What i ask for applies for everyone, and it is what we all need as humans.