Before i start this post i want to give a couple shout outs.
1st is to mum, who has not always agreed with me and what i have to say but is a faithful readers of many blogs and is always there, one way or another, with encouraging words, but yet lots of fight in her too, she stands up for her beliefs and i wish she did not live so far away, i would love to meet this woman!!
Next is a shout out to a couple bloggers who have recently gotten engaged, one doesn't blog anymore but i have met her in person and she is my twin, i swear.
Congrats Jen, one who surprised us all. i wish i could be at your wedding, you will look amazing, know that i will be thinking of you that day,you better send me a disc of the pics and video so i can cry and all that mushy stuff. i still have an ounce of hope you can join us in Vegas, somehow, it has to work out lol.
Congrats again Krysten, i wish you all the happiness in the world, you deserve it.
Last but not least to my darling Stacey!!! You can not comment often but i know you are still out there, one of these days i will have the last wedding posts up, changing computers sometimes makes that hard lol.
It is almost 2 am here, i have to be up @ 9:30 for an outing to the city tomorrow with my in-laws. We are going to buy my husband new work boots, he needs ones without many seams to tolerate our weather. I also want to go to the casino, i have only ever been once, when i was 20, to the other one in the city. I want to get a feel for it, for Vegas, we have VLT machines in the bars/lounges here but i never play them, waste of money but..........it's Vegas.
Then is a trip to Costco, i have never been to that one, usually go to the one closest to this end of the city so it will be a nice change, they are all different. We are going to Red Lobster for supper so hubby and his parents can enjoy unlimited shrimp. I have a coupon for free dessert and since my entree is always chicken fingers it is much cheaper and so i usually get the chocolate chip cookie with ice cream. It is the only time i get dessert, and we only go once a year. I can never eat dessert, i eat less supper so i can fit it in and then usually feel like i am 9 months pregnant.
That was a lot to get out geesh lol. So i suffer from insomnia, have ever since i was abused. When i did my sleep test (i have sleep apnea) she said my brain doesn't shut off. I kinda knew that. Even when i am not super stressed i go to bed and it is like watching a movie. Everything plays out in my head, what i did that day, what i have to do the next day. Things i have coming up, things i want to do. If i am stressed it is 10x worse and right now i am stressed.
Anyone who truly knows me knows that family is extremely important to me, and when i get upset the first emotion anyone ever sees is anger. Unfortunately that is how i am, most of my family is either really emotional or shows no outward emotion at all. My family meant everything to me up until a couple years ago, when i started to really see things. My heart was and still is absolutely broken over how things have played out. I know many blame me, but they don't even know the facts. It is always easier to blame the victim, always.
There is no doubt my "uncle" abused me, he was the one who went to the police and confessed. However, he did not tell the truth, the whole story. I did not talk about it, other than my mom no one wanted me to talk about it, so i did not tell the police or counsellor anything. I would talk to her, but not about that. I was over 18 before i was ready. If i told my story it probably would have made a difference, but you never know. My mom never got to go to court or anything so that someone advocated for me. At the time it was all happening i didn't even really know it was wrong. No one talked to you in school about that stuff back then, it was not all over the place like it is now. I was very naive, but i was a child, i should have been naive.
I have had happy moments in my childhood. It was not all bad, but i would say it only accounted for about 35%. I never really got to be a child who could be carefree. I always had to worry about my siblings and my parents. That is why it still makes me sad that i can not have a relationship with my sister.
I love her, but she refuses to accept that she has ever done anything wrong. Them stealing from my husband (bf of less than a year at the time) was all her husband's fault (they are separated) in her eyes even though she was a willing participant. To her she did nothing wrong, has nothing to apologize for and it was in the past so i should be ok with it and just get over it. With everything else she has done to me, i can't. I did sooooooo much for that child that went unappreciated. I dropped everything for her most of her life and she can't even admit she has made mistakes and is sorry????
She couldn't understand how showing me wedding pictures for a wedding she didn't invite her family too would be upsetting, for me it was like sticking a knife in my heart and twisting after all i did for that girl. My mom is still extremely hurt how we didn't matter, my brother doesn't appear to care as he is one who also does not show emotions. It was all about Kevin & his family.I don't believe my sister even wanted to get married, she just wanted to feel loved and to feel like a princess i guess. She used to feel loved from me but once she back-stabbed me a few times i can't be that person for her anymore.
I like to do things for people, it makes me happy, but i have come to the point that i can't give consistently without getting anything back in return. Now i definitely am not saying i am perfect, but i can admit when i am wrong and i let people know that i F*ed up. That really isn't such a hard thing to expect and on the outside i refuse to let people act like i am the bitch and i am in the wrong when i know that is not the case. Once again, it is easiest to blame me rather than accept their mistakes. My sister isn't all bad, not by any means, but with her mental health issues i have to walk on eggshells with her, i can't be myself, i can't just be upfront, i have to tiptoe everything and i can't sugarcoat everything and be all fake. It does not work well i find.
I once had a falling out with a friend, with whom i ended up working things out a while later when we ran into each other in a social setting. She ended up being in our wedding. I like to give advice and am pretty good at it. Many people have come to me over the years, including her. Last year i was giving her my opinion on something but said what i always do........ You don't have to like what i am saying, you don't have to do what i am saying, but i will always tell you my opinion, thoughts and feelings. What you choose to do is up to you, but you will always know i have been real. Her response was this........you're right, i do not always like what you say, i do not have to do what you tell me, but i always know where i stand with you, because there are no pretenses and i respect you for that. That is how i am, what you see is what you get. I do not always have tact, but i have compassion. I care for people, i always want people to succeed and be happy in life and if i have not been betrayed i will be behind you always cheering you on.
I have always been the one there for people at times in their lives when no one else was, for my mom, my dad, my grandma and my sister. When they were going through some of their toughest times i was the only person they had to lean on. I do not have much of a relationship with my dad because i refuse to go through the motions for someone who can't be there for me. It sucks that it always comes to this and i always get the shaft, that is what hurts so much. I hurt every single day. No counselor can help me, talking about it won't make it any easier, because i not know how to let this hurt go............. anyone can say "get over it" but no one has the right too. It isn't something i will ever get over. The only way i can do that would be if it was fixed, and it never will be. My brain & heart will never be at rest unless things are right with these people and it never will be. I have told them all how i feel and the only one who gets it is my mother. We have sort of fixed things over the years, well as best we can, and i trust her. The others just pass the blame onto me. I know i am to blame for my own actions and reactions, but i am not to blame for the things that bother me most.............
One last thing to add that has to do with my son. I have mentioned it before i am sure, but part of the problem with him and what does my head in is that he ALWAYS has to negatively go against me. My son loves me, he will help around the house, but he does not respect me for what ever reason, or it appears that way. This is no exaggeration but i could say the sky is blue and he would say it is green just to go against me. I can not speak without him saying something negative and rude right behind me. That is not typical teenage behavior. He is not like this with everyone else,he is like this with my gram sometimes too, but i am not there so i have no first hand knowledge of that. he does act up with my brother, but i think that is because the only attention he gets from him is negative so he does things to get that. He rarely does it to my husband because he wants to do the guy things with him, he wants his approval.
I am not sure why he does it, he told me yesterday it is because i am wrong 50% of the time which really pissed me off because if there is one thing i am not it is a bullshitter and/or a liar and i despise those qualities in a person. It does not matter what i say or do though, he has to be right behind me saying the opposite. He is quite disrespectful in that regard and yes, i do react to it. I am human, when someone punches you right in the gut over and over it would be very hard to take that without reacting. One can not be completely mature all the time, one can not pretend the things people say or do to them does not hurt them A lot of people would be surprised at how weak i feel, because i come off as someone so strong. He also told me yesterday that there was nothing i could really do about it when i told him i am unsure how i am supposed to keep tolerating it because i can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do because kids have the power now and can just call the police and report their parents.
Yes, that came from his mouth, after i told him my mom chased me around the house and made me clean all 3 floors top to bottom for something i didn't even do and he is lucky he doesn't have those kind of consequences. After he as so disrespectful i made him shut off his game, he wanted to then go hide in his room, but that was too easy so i wouldn't let him. I told him he could just sit on the couch and be bored, he then started giving the dog some attention and he never did turn the game back on, after a while he forgot about it. Not like i would have let him anyways.
People that think it was harsh of me to say i couldn't have a relationship with him at that time should come spend a weekend in my house. You would be amazed what i go through. I am not perfect with him either, but it would probably blow you away. Yet i still think he is a good kid, because like with anyone, i see all of what is inside him. I crave for that, i love when he doesn't act like that. It is rare, but it does happen. We went to a hockey game last night and had lots of laughs, only a little arguing. I think he realized for a few minutes that he was really over the line. I have only gave cliff note versions here, there is so much more.
I was on the phone with my mom at the time, so she heard what both of us had said, but after a couple minutes i had to let her go, i was too upset to talk any longer. I called her today to tell her more things and she even admitted that when she is around she notices that he does constantly harp me and it appears he is trying to push my buttons. I don't know what he hopes to accomplish. I hope i never go over that ledge though. He is not perfect with my grandma either, just worse with me, although i am not in their house to know how bad it is there either. That kid has so much and does not realize how good he has it.
I know he has gone through a lot, but i have always tried to shield him from the brunt of it. I do not talk about his grandma to him, i never have. My family insults me and puts me down to him every single chance they get. I have heard it, i have also heard about it. i once heard my grandma tell him i was a liar because i forgot we had to go for an appointment at 4 instead of 5 like i said in my email, the 5 was beside the 4 and i did not catch that i typed the wrong number and when i phoned to tell him to get ready she flipped out.
She also refuses to let him meet his dad even though he wants too. She doesn't want him in and out of his life. He lives in a different province though and he needs to meet him, he wants to meet him. It is up to him if he wants a relationship with him. His father has made many mistakes, he left here shortly after Austin turned one and ended up in jail within the year. His family has never had anything to do with Austin, but Jeff has always loved him and i know that. I may not care for the guy but i can't expect people to not hold something that happened 14 years ago over my head (but they still do and refuse to see all the good in my life, most have never stepped foot into my home) and do the same to him. it is not fair, he seems to have turned his life around, he was a pathological liar though back then. He would say whatever it was you wanted to hear, rather than the truth, so i don't know what he is really like in the world today but........ i have to go with what he says, i am not there to see for myself, therefore i can not judge him like that. I have to give him the benefit of doubt and i believe Austin needs to have a relationship with him, how much of one would be up to Austin, or it should be anyways.
He contacts me every once in awhile, not too often, but i don't believe it is because he doesn't love that kid (that he doesn't know) and i have always kept that email addy just so that he can (i do not have my address listed because he once showed up at my work when austin was about 6 but she would not let them meet again and i would not go against her wishes, even if i didn't agree). He has told me it this way before and it makes the most sense. I chose to battle against my grandma for that boy, and in part i came out on top, but not fully (getting the weekends, but not being able to come up with 5 grand down for a lawyer to get him back). It is easy to pay 100 here, or there but they wanted that much up front, as a retainer, i could not get a loan because of an incident from when i was 18. He didn't know how to battle her, so he let her defeat him.
We were not together, he did not have my support at the time, and he did not have the strength to do it. It was always a battle for him, she didn't like him and the only thing he ever did wrong to her was not tell the truth, she would not budge an inch. She would have made him go through even more hoops she made me go through and she made me go through a lot, lying to me along the way, just to keep me doing her bidding. He admitted to me he checked me out on fb, through a friend and where that would have made me scared & angry a few years ago this time it didn't. I understood it, he just wanted to see pics of Austin, to see how he was, what he looked like now. Austin asked her recently if she would let him meet him, and she said no, not until he was 18. He then changed his story and said he wanted to meet him to see if he had siblings, he knew he doesn't, Jeff can't have kids, and i had told him that many times. He changed it because he was hurt, but did not want to show it, did not want her to make up more excuses and reasons of why he could not meet him. The boys in my family are good at masking their emotions.
She will say it is because he had his chance and blew it, that she doesn't believe a person can change. On and on she goes with all the reasons that she doesn't think it is a good idea. She has never come up with a single reason why it would be good for Austin. I don't think she sees how much it hurts that kid, if she does, she doesn't care, because she put me through the ringer and still thinks that was acceptable for her to do. 3 years is still a long time for him to wait. Yes he lives 1000 miles away, so that means that their relationship would not be the same, but that does not mean he would be in & out of his life. I tried talking to her about it but she did not want to hear anything i had to say and shut me down. For her, i think it i a control thing.
I have even talked to my step mom about it all and she sees everything i see. She sees how i am treated and hates it, she sees how lazy she has made Austin, my brother & dad, she agrees with me on almost everything. I know i am not pulling all this out of my ass or making it up. She sees the pack mentality the whole clan has, and how they use it to all charge at me, without a select few who haven't jumped on that bandwagon. My husband has also been there for the last 7 years and he tried to tell me years ago, but i did not want to believe it so i would argue with him over and over, until i no longer had a valid argument and i could finally see what he did. Once i did though...............i was the bitch. I have a feeling Austin gets this idea that i am always wrong from her, but even if that is the case, he still needs to learn to respect me *he respects others, so he has it in him* and no one should tell me that i just need to accept it, deal with it, and get over it just because he is the teenager and i am the grown up. I should not have to get shit on every time i turn around and it be perfectly acceptable. Once again, i am not saying i am perfect and do not have faults, but that does not make it OK!!!!!
This has gotten a lot longer than most people care to read, and it is now after 3. Eyes are still open but hoping i will be able to sleep now that i have gotten some of this out.
No comments:
Post a Comment