Previous best friend update

*waves* Welcome back Mum! I have missed you. Your right, i didn't write about what Kat wanted. I forgot to actually. I haven't wanted to blog much for a while. I have had too much going on and couldn't separate my thoughts enough to blog.

Idk where things are at with her right now, i haven't heard from her in a full month. Initially she wrote me to apologize for her part in how everything happened and to say she missed me. TBH i hadn't thought about her too much over the last year. It was a very very touchy subject for me. I was extremely hurt. I mean you can't be friends with someone for 15 years and then boom it have no affect on you. Her not being at my wedding was not something that could be replayed. You look at those pictures and feel like something is missing. She was supposed to be there. Hell she was the first person i called, even before my mom.

What i didn't know was how much it hurt her as well, especially since i made her well aware if that was her decision it was something that could not be taken back. I also didn't realize something my son had said to her mom would have such a major impact in the way things did NOT blow over. I had always thought it would have blown over (but i didn't say that). I found out she did too. I would have never been the one to step up though. While i said some not so nice things in reaction i was not the one in the wrong so i had nothing to apologize for except what i said that i shouldn't have.

I didn't realize a few other things that had a major affect and i dumped a "friend". I knew this bridesmaid had said some other shit because other people had told me plus some was stuff she said to me but after i found out everything i just couldn't be bothered. I didn't say a word, just deleted from fb and my phone. I knew the girl since i was in high school but she was overly critical. She came to my house once and saw my deep freeze had mini pizzas (i don't have a lot of processed stuff, mostly actual meat) and gave me a huge lecture (because i am fat) while she came there with McDonald's for supper that day (but it was OK because she is thin as a twig, i was LIVID). Kat was telling me stuff i mostly knew. In fact i probably wrote about Chrissy before so it really was no skin off my bones..

Everything else Kat was going through is not for blogger. It is personal. She was finally in a place where she could tell me everything though and because i of course am not so angry 3 years later i was able to listen. Unfortunately it was 3 years too late in that we can't go back and put her at the wedding. I honestly thought she might have shown up and i shed a few tears cause she didn't (she thought i wouldn't want her there). Everything happens in time, and maybe i wouldn't have been receptive to her back then. I have grown up even more in this 3 years so who knows.

I didn't know how to feel to be honest. I was so taken aback just getting that email. It bothers me she hasn't emailed in a month but that has nothing to do with me, it isn't because she is mad or i am mad or anything of the sort but she had emailed daily for a month, then weekly, then nothing lol.

It is hard to forgive. I reacted in a good way to her initial email though because i felt like i owed her that much. Not because she deserved it per se but because 15 years is a long time for a friendship. I feel like i wouldn't have done our previous relationship justice if i just ignored the email. That was our FIRST ever fight like that (it just happened to be a doozy). We had never spoken to each other like that. I was only ever mad at her once before in that 15 years. It's not that she didn't deserve it either. It's just hard to explain. I don't like when people ignore me though. I HATE it, has to be my biggest pet peeve so even if i wasn't ready to make nice i wouldn't have ignored her. It isn't even her i am having a hard time forgiving. It is getting over the fact she wasn't at my wedding. I would have chose her over most of my own family. That is how much she had meant to me before. **please don't tell me to get over it, it isn't up to anyone else to tell me how to feel**. This was very important to me, and I can't just accept it even if i wanted to. I also feel leery, like i want to jump back into things but that i am afraid to. Things change, people change. I am afraid to put my trust there to be hurt again.

She is coming to the city next week, i thought maybe she may have came out here so we could talk face to face but that won't happen with her not emailing me. Last time i talked to her she said she wanted to. I could always email her, but i don't chase. It is not my style and everyone knows it. I already sent her an email the 1st time she went a week without responding to my email. If she wants to talk, she knows i am still open at this point and how to get a hold of me. I am not over analyzing. She could be very overwhelmed at all this too. I know i was. I may email her this weekend, as maybe she is scared to since it's a month, but still not my style.

Even with how angry (and betrayed) i was before i was actually pretty excited to hear from her. This was a girl i trusted more than my own husband. She knew me better than ANYONE and rarely judged. I haven't found anyone else like her, not like i was trying to replace her but.........

I have another post to write, about my health. I had my doctor's appointment today. It wasn't good. I will schedule that for friday.