The end of an Era.

I made this post on May 1st. I only have a few more days of internet so I need this done asap. I go to camp for the day Wednesday and move some stuff out there. Friday I am probably going to be there all day but I am coming home and getting ready for Garth Brooks in 1 week's time!! By the time this goes to post it will be only 2 days until his show.

So I am usually real, blunt and honest so I have no way to sugar coat this.

I am divorcing my husband. I was hoping and hoping there was a way around it but there just isn't. He is a miserable, miserable person and I have begged him for years to be nicer to me but he just plain out refuses. He is emotionally abusive and downright rude to me. He is completely ignorant and wants to rip me off every chance he can get. I just can't do it anymore.

He wants me to pay for everything, and takes 1/2 of everything I walk in the door with while buying only things I don't like so he doesn't have to share/do the same. He pays the mortgage/rent while I pay the rest so to him I have no worth. He actually told me yesterday my grocery contribution doesn't count. You better bet your ass if it was the other way around it would count if it was him. He is very aware of that fact too.

I have begged him almost every weekend since I have been out of the hospital to treat me better. He spends the better part of 24-48 hours just ignoring me every single week. I am tired of it. I deserve a better life than that. Who wants to spend their days off in a house with someone who is ignoring them (for no reason)? How about someone who talks so ignorant just for the fun of it consistently? How about someone who insults you and makes fun of you in front of friends and family? He would NEVER allow me to do that to him, he would flip his lid so not sure how he thinks that is cool. How about coming home to someone who was grouchy for all his waking hours almost every day and did nothing but bitch and complain. He himself will tell you that while i "bitch" on this blog I am not a big complainer in real life. I am a fairly content and happy person.

Last weekend was the last straw though. He was completely ignorant and belligerent over some money I owe him (yes, i owe him money, for my command start and computer because he would never ever buy me anything outside of birthday/Christmas and even then he tries to get out of spending money on me). I told him what I owed him and he insisted I pay him $82 more because he was 100% positive that is what the two bills came to. I was then able to prove him wrong but the straw broke the camels back. The way he reacted over it was enough to take my blinders off. I am just done.

I can't live like this. I can't live with complete ignorance. I want to be happy. I want a life with someone who is happy with me. I want to be with someone who wants to do things with me. He can't even take the friggen water jug to the store (with my car, because it is ALWAYS my car and has been that way for 7 years so he doesn't have to pay gas). He told me I should get the store staff to carry the bottle to my car (I can't lift it) even though he drinks at least 1/2 the damn jug!

I devoted almost 10 years to this man, gave him everything I have. I have nothing left to give him. He will take until I am only a shell. He knows he is selfish, he will admit to you everything I have laid out here and more. He is not an emotional person so he doesn't ever feel bad. He is a really negative person and I am a positive person. I can't spend every weekend sitting in the house doing absolutely nothing and being ignored. My time is just much more valuable than that. He has zero respect for me and I am done trying to make him do/feel something he just doesn't feel.

He took the news hard. Friday it was calm talking and then he bawled which kind of made me feel a bit bad for him...and told me he was suicidal, but that only lasted a little while. Saturday we had a bbq with both our families. It was great. Lovely time. He cuddled with me a lot Friday, probably the most he has done in 12 full months. I let him, because I didn't want to be cold-hearted but also let him know I was just comforting him and Saturday he gave me a kiss on the forehead but I didn't feel anything. I guess he was putting on a show, wanting me to change my mind. Idk why, he doesn't love himself enough to love me.

After everyone left we were in the living room and I said something about hoping the money came in by Friday so I could use some for shopping in the states since I no longer needed it for buying a house (but I would hang onto most of it). He was like you aren't getting that money. Our house closes May 2nd. We BOTH contributed to that house right from the very first day. I paid everything except the mortgage/insurance which came to $600 a month for him and the water bill which was #85every 3 months.

Back the fuck up, what? What do you mean I am not getting anything. That money is to be split. It isn't a lot but we should both end up with at least $10k maybe even $12k each after fees are paid. He then proceeded to tell me since he was the one that paid the mortgage it was his. I said I paid all the household bills and bought all the weekly groceries. No word of a lie he actually told me that groceries don't count as a household contribution and he said that with my mother right behind him. I was flabbergasted. I mean I could have paid the mortgage/insurance and it would have been cheaper than my contribution (with the bank statements in the drawer to prove I paid more all these years) and because I didn't pay the actual mortgage itself he really feels full entitled?

Holy hell I was fuming. What an ignorant ass. I fully intended to just split things with him and have the legalities as cheap as possible. I wanted to be fair....to both of us. I spent 2.5 years working 3 jobs just so I could afford my share (when I went from full time down to part time I got 2 more jobs) and he wants to tell me it didn't count for anything? At that point I was really mad and told him if he really thought that was how it works I would eat it up in court. Never in a million years would that be the route I would want to go. I wanted us just to split things and that be it. Pay the fee for the divorce and no lawyer fees other than to draw up the petition for divorce. I was even thinking of using a service that has it done for $500. He also told me Friday night before going to sleep that he won't sign any divorce papers so I can get that idea out of my head.

In a marriage anything accumulated since legally living common law is to be split 50-50 and that was all I wanted. We have lived together for 9+ FRICKEN YEARS!!! Matter of fact he would have ended up ahead because I was letting him have his quad and trailer, with me not even seeking my 1/2 and also letting him have ALL his tools and man things without claiming any of that either. I have no use for those things so he would have come out with about 75% of our assets and he wants to keep all the money from selling our house for himself?

You guys, I am not a greedy bitch but that is sooooo wrong on so many levels. I put a minimum of $800 a month into the house and I am not entitled to anything? I JUST pulled out my paperwork today from my bank account and I then added it all up every month so that I had facts and wasn't just pulling that number out of  my ass. He would soooo lose that battle and doesn't have a leg to stand on but I don't want to waste the money in court if I don't have to so we will see what happens when it actually comes in and I ask for 1/2 again. I would probably pay a few months rent and some on my credit cards then also keep at least 5k in savings for rainy days.

There is absolutely no reason for this to turn into a circus. It won't be me, I can guarantee that. I am not going to let him get away with continuing to be an ass to me though. He tried to tell me on Friday he would do anything for me to stay with him but that was just lip service. He is scared to be without me. I do EVERYTHING for him. If i don't do it....he doesn't do it. I think he likes my nurturing and caring ways. I was getting tired of him not doing things for himself as well. I don't need to be anyone else's mama.

He is still coming to Garth Brooks with me, but he isn't grateful in any way, shape, or form. My card really touched him but he has been an ass every weekend since so I guess being grateful didn't mean as much to him as it did to me. It was a gift, so I can't take it back, and I won't even try. I did tell him today though that I want to have fun, and he better be happy or I won't be impressed at having wasted $450 (just in hotel in tickets, not gas or meals) when I could go with someone that would appreciate the gift and his response was I will only be myself (negative) so I am apprehensive. I can see him having fun at the concert and treating me like crap the rest of the time.

I really wish there was another way, I feel so strong about divorce. Unfortunately if I don't have some self-respect and put myself first I will drown. I have taken care of someone for the last 26 years so that will certainly be a change.

I have been booking up my weekends though with fun things that he would never do with me so I am going to do those things and spend the rest of the time with my dog when I am home. This way I stop sitting around the house being miserable with him. I am looking forward to this summer. I gave him the option of being my roommate since that is basically how we have been living for a few years now so we will see. He was an ass about that today and told me he wouldn't be around much longer but who knows. I hope he doesn't make a rash choice because he can't live at his parents but his sister would take him in I am sure. If he does move out I will find a room mate right quick and my landlord is evicting the basement tenant and the one behind me is moving out too so I will have all new people. I am away all summer so he wouldn't see me much. My season goes till at least October.

I love this town, I love this house, so I will make it work. I will NEVER ever accept what I did in this relationship to have "the dream". I now fully know and understand what I want and deserve and it isn't this. He wasn't like this when we first started dating. We had so much fun, and love, and sex (non existent for 6 years now). We didn't even have an argument until 13 months into the relationship. We are completely incompatible. We don't have anything in common anymore. I was living a lie. I hate, hate, hate lieing but I put on a front for years now. I was still me, but I "faked" my happiness and confidence so that know one knew how I felt on the inside. Isn't that what people in abusive relationships do? Abuse falls much deeper than the bruises on the surface. Emotional abuse is much, much tougher to deal with.

I lost many, many friends over this relationship and even my family hated coming around. The weird thing is....he isn't like this with his family. He is still a negative nancy but he at least talks to them. Oh ya, that's another big one. If he was grouchy (90% of time) and someone came to visit me and said hi to him he would either ignore them or grunt. That REALLY made people feel uncomfortable. Most thought he didn't like them when that wasn't even the case so they wouldn't come through my door anymore and outright told me it was because of how rude he is. I am taking back my life, I WILL be happy!