Respect

This was an old one that appeared in drafts, not sure when it was from exactly.

I am going to do my best to have an old post done today, not for any reason other than it let's me really share what is going on in my life now. I have not shared this blog with anyone in real life other than my fiance. I don't believe in keeping secrets form him and most things i put in here he will have heard before. The only other person i would share it with is my female best friend, for reasons being that there are some things i do not want others knowing, sharing with relative strangers is easy, much easier than the neighbor next door or down the street, they judge according to what you have to say, trust me hearing from them is way more hurtful than reading what you typed to a stranger, yes people get close in blogs and some meet, some get really close but it is not the same thing as your friends & family that are around you all the time knowing all your business.

This post is not what i was going to write about today but i am upset, i am trying not to write with my heart, but my head. I am not the type of person to sugar coat, i say what i mean & mean what i say. Otherwise why say it? I told my fiance when he started reading that these are my feelings, he doesn't have to like my posts, but he has to respect that i feel this way, no one can change how i feel, and if something upsets him than stop reading, i try not to say hurtful things online geared towards us or our relationship but for as long as i remember i have been a writer when i can't talk to someone. A person has to have an outlet when they aren't being heard, and sometimes even when they are, a person needs to feel their feelings are justified when someone minimizes them or turns around and makes it about them so that the person that was hurt coddles them instead of getting their own feelings mended. Sometimes strangers have to be the ones to do that when no one else will.

I read a post today about forgiveness, it had to do with something the author read about people finding out major things after someone died, like that their spouse had an affair, that their mom actually adopted them, things that were MAJOR. The biggest lesson learnt from it was that when the person is not there to work through the issue it is extremely hard to forgive. BAM that hit me hard, I told my step-mom that this past summer when she told me i should forgive my father, i told her i can't because he won't talk to me about anything important, would rather shrug it off and sweep it under the rug because that is easier.

I hope this posts makes sense because i haven't thought it out, i would appreciate feedback, i want to know if others feel the way i do. That is part of why i post online, plus my blog is un searchable, mainly private, i have sent out the link to a few people in blogsphere but not many, if i get a good following once my major players come back then i will make it pw protected. I don't need the attention of many, this isn't about how many followers i can get. I would rather have quality over quantity, though if this were fiction then it would be both lol. I am searching for something i am missing, and that is the feeling of being truely heard & listened too. Of feeling like i really matter.

I love my fiance to death, he is the person i count on for everything, anything that happens in my life whether it be small or major he is the first person i think of and i can't wait to tell him, he supports me in many ways, but........ he is not very communicative, he shuts down and ignores me when he has upset me rather than actually deal with the problem. I have told him many times and i mean MANY  times rather than ignore my messages (or me if it is in person) say a Lil something, like ok, let me think, busy, hang on, etc etc etc, those little words show respect and care, then come back and actually deal with the problem. There is NOTHING i take worse than being ignored, or have a situation made about someone else when really it should be about me. I take responsibility for my actions and i expect others to do the same, i haven't come across another person yet that does that.

For me you have to have respect above trust, weird i know but seriously, without respect how can you trust, how can you love, how can you do anything? Now before this all gets taken the wrong way and blown out of pre-portion i am not saying you can't love someone or don't love someone, but you can't give them your whole self with everything you have. It is an impossible equation, it just doesn't happen. My fiance loves me alot, i know that, i see it in his eyes when he looks at me, or touches my face and says i am beautiful or pretty, and i don't know if it is my depression ( i get the winter blahs come January, they go away in march) but when i feel ignored, i feel like no one cares about my feelings, i feel like no one cares about me (by that i don't mean just my fiance, i mean no one).

I am not on a pity party, not at all but when i get trampled over and over for cop out reasons that's bullshit. I have this uncanny sense to read people, my son said to me the other day mom you always think your right, no not necessarily but i won't open my mouth if i think i am wrong, I have been through more situations than you could ever imagine, with those situations come experience, experience gives you knowledge, knowledge gives you power, which in turn gives you the good ability to read people and situations so that you can almost always smell bullshit, or know when someone is only telling you a half truth-half lie, i also have the ability to tell people things they don't want to admit or know, it pisses them off, so therefore who gets the brunt? I am a firm believer in you can do

I mentioned before that i told him a couple weeks ago i told him that for once i just wish someone thought of me and he told me i have too big a heart. Well it is true, i do, i treat people like gold, seriously, even when they hurt me, that is why i give some up easy & why i am not willing to give others up. I get walked over & stomped on all the time, so does my fiance but not by me! I treat people the way i want to be treated but yet i still get stomped on, I don't tell you how i feel to have you ignore me, i don't care who you are, if i wanted you to ignore me i wouldn't bother with you in the first place would i? If i wanted you to turn it around and make it about you i would have made it about you to begin with.