MONTANA'S

i still need to do alot of background stuff but some of it is going to be very personal but it needs to be said because it pertains to what is going on now.

I am feeling like shit today, i have been stressed really bad for a few weeks now, to the point i am getting headaches, my stomach has been in knots & i am in the process of quitting smoking, went form a pack a day to this last pack i bought Sunday & i still have 10 left. Tonight my stomach is REALLY hurting, last time it did that i had an acute gallbladder attack with the worst pain ever, worse than labor, and i was on the toilet till 7 am. I am physically unable to throw up (more on that later) so i only dry heave & that is so much worse. I hope it is not that, i felt nauseous, it very well could be my nerves though because those have been maxed out.

They are calming just a lil since i got kicked out of this contest i was in, out of 96 people i made it to the final 25 but the challenge i failed at was making it to this shop before 5 other people, i got stuck at a light watching them go in, would have ran it (safely) except there was a cop passing lol. It was put on by the local radio station for 965$ how that would have come in soooooo handy at this time, ah well, it was SOOOOO stressful competing like that.

Tomorrow i am leaving work for the afternoon & going to the city, i have an apt (more on that later too) and we are going to finally go to MONTANA's, i LOVE honey garlic ribs and i have been wanting to go there for YEARS, i am not kidding, years, every time we go to the city hubby wants to go to the fish place or red lobster, i told him this time it is my choice, i have only been able to pick once. Then he wants to go back to the mall, i don't want to, i thought he was buying an engagement ring when we went on monday & the jewelry store was gonna give him a 100 off but he made a point of telling me how much was left in his bank account yesterday so there is no way he bought the ring i wanted, that he picked out.  I got upset, told him if you didn't know after 4 years together if you were ready then you will never know & that was a good deal you passed up. I don't want to go back to the mall cause i do not want to pass that shop.

I could tell him something straight up & he does not get the hint. Drives me insane.  I am just hoping everything works out the way i want it to tomorrow, and that i stop feeling this way soon, sorry i can't tell more about it now. I know there are alot of people in a worse off position by far but this is my whole life up in the air. I have been fighting a long time, I am a strong person but the wind has gone out of my sails, i have nothing left anymore, i can really feel like i am at the point of a make or break situation here & it is scary, if i break i lose EVERYTHING, but i don't feel i have much besides my lil family, my huge family is a bunch of backstabbing 2 faced hypocrites but you would never know it looking at them, they put on a good show about how close they are, g(the bf) family is the same way, he just doesn't realise it.

I didn't have time to do many posts today & i probably won't till monday, every 2nd weekend it will be hard to post with everyone at home. i will try but not always gonna happen.

****crosses fingers & toes****